You Know You Are Watching A Malay Movie When…


  1. The hero looks too old to be a 20 years old biker (read: Rosyam Noor in KL Menjerit), the heroin looks too ‘Erra Fazira’ (Wait a minute. It Is Erra Fazira celluloid invasion!) and the mother of the hero looks too underaged to be a mother
  2. To resolve matters of the heart, the venue of choice is always at thebeach. The girl, with a pair of fake Gucci sunglasses on her head, will occupy the space under one coconut tree, while the boy will take an adjacent one. They will refer to themselves as ‘I’ and ‘You’, and the scene will climax with the girl’s face streaked with tears ‘You beritahu I sekarang, you masih cintakan I ke tidak’, and the boy will run his hand through his hair (An expression of Malay angst, described by the word, ‘frust menonggeng’). Oh yeah, they will then spend 10 minutes bellowing some sappy-romantic tunes on the top of their lungs even when the passerby are ogling curiously.
  3. On the deathbed, the terminally-ill will tend to see the light, especially when surrounded by those who he or she has wronged. There will always be time to beg forgiveness from everyone (full grammatically-correct sentence, mind you) before the last breath is exhaled, usually reserved for the all-important mengucap (repentance), which is the definitive sign of insaf?!
  4. At the hospital, a doctor will always be ambushed by anxious relatives, who will ask: ‘Bagaimana keadaan dia sekarang, doktor?’.The doctor will look serious and tentative (most of the time, looks too dodgy to become a doc) maybe sigh a bit, before finally replying, ‘Keadaan dia stabil.Tetapi dia perlu banyak berehat.’ The doctor will also be carrying a clipboard.
  5. The hero can gasp in awe looking at Sepang F1 Circuit, KLIA and The Petronas Twin Towers as he had just realized how developed Malaysia is after studying abroad for 7 years. (read: Cinta Kolestrol) EverHeard of Internet, Yusry? Pathetic.
  6. Rendezvous/date is carried out at some dim-litted coffee house or fancy restaurant and the only drink you and your partner will order is orange juice. Other drinks like sirap limau or teh tarik are not classy enough.Somehow during the conversation, you will sip your drink bit by bit but never finish it all in gusto.
  7. The boss of a company sits at his desk, usually writing longhand notes.There is no laptop nor computer on his desk. There are many ring files at the cabinet behind him. To show how important he is in the company, when he leaves his office, he tells his secretary, ‘Kalau orang telefon, cakap saya ada appointment dengan Tan Sri/Dato’/Tengku’. Bimbo-looking secretary would smile sheepishly while playing with her chemically damaged hair.
  8. Only baddies, like delinquents and drug peddlers go to nightclubs. The only good people in nightclubs are undercover policemen.
  9. Brain tumours are cancers of choice, because sufferers get dizzy and tend to faint melodramatically. Cervical and breast cancer are like, you know, private. As for lung, colon and testicular cancer, they’re just not as aesthetic on those CAT scans as the ghostly cerebral ones.
  10. Hari Raya is the best time for character transformations. The sound of the Aidilfitri prayer call on Hari Raya morning is enough to send drug addicts, glue sniffers, drunkards, adulterers, street gang members and girls who wear too much make up into depths of remorse.

Note: That is how the Malay movies looks like. It’s showing the same scene in every movies.

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