Humor from great minds

  • As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and Ican’t remember the other two… — Sir Norman Wisdom
  • One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. — Edgar Watson Howe
  • A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! — Doug Larson
  • A harmful truth is always better then…a useful lie! — Eric Bolton
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. — Erno Philips
  • I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’. — Robert Paul
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. — Phyllis Diller
  • Laughter is the closest distance between two people. — Victor Borge
  • Start every day with a smile and get it over with. — W.C. Fields
  • Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. — Will Rogers
  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. — Mickey Rooney
  • Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison. — Tim Allen
  • If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner
  • I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. — Erica Jong
  • Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive. — Elbert Hubbard
  • Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. — Wendell Johnson

  • In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. — Joey Adams

  • I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. — Henry Youngman
  • Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? — Benny Hill
  • Do you know them all?

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